Sunflower Confessions

    YOU ARE LOVED... Suffering with these diagnosis can be so overwhelming at times. The anxiety can be so strong that it actually paralyzes me. The fear of not being good enough or the fear that my work isn’t acceptable PARALYZES me. It literally prevents me from accomplishing things. Some days are great and I use the anxiety to my advantage. For instance I will have multiple things going on at once and I am able to excel in every area. The problem with that is it leads to insomnia. This is where my mood is considered “manic.” When I am in this state I feel that there is NOTHING I cant accomplish. It’s like I feel high, as if I can do anything. Believe it or not this actually rings true to many of my accomplishments. However, there is a down fall. A HARD down fall. Once the cycle of “mania” is over I hit an all time low. This is Bipolar Depression. Bipolar Depression is NOT like regular depression. Please do not take what I am saying as a down play to those who suffer with de...

    “I don’t want to be grounded I’d rather fly.”—Jess Renee I couldn’t sleep last night, at all. My mind and thoughts were racing. Once I was finally asleep I fell into a deep sleep. Until you appeared in my dreams and it was a nightmare. It was like we were lying in bed in real time. You woke me up, in the dream, and asked for my phone at 2am. I was terrified because you always let your anger get the best of you. I could feel my heart racing, palms sweating as I began to plead with you to just go back to sleep. In this dream I remember being so terrified that I flinched and closed my eyes in anticipation for a blow. And that’s when I woke up. What do you do when your nightmare becomes your reality? Once my eyes were closed in my nightmare they were open to find you sitting up staring directly into my eyes. I became so frighten I began to pray. “Please Lord let this man fall asleep.” “Please Lord don’t let him kill me.” “Please Lord PLEASE!” You turned your back and laid back...

 “I gave my b**ch two mil cause she stuck around”—Gucci Mane      I have noticed a trend where women, particularly black women, are being celebrated for sticking by their men through their toxic behavior. The “ride or die” attitude. Which I get the sentiments but what I don’t get is the ride or die until the death of me part.  Let’s take Keyshia and Gucci Mane for example, I have seen a lot of women glamorize their relationship as “relationship goals.”  However, they also glamorize the fact that she stayed with him through all the drugs, cheating and sometimes emotional neglect. Let me be clear this is NOT by an means degrading her decision, I wish them the best. I am simply trying to point out what is problematic about glamorizing toxic behavior.       Rarely do we see black love admired that didn’t have DRAMA first. Why is it that most black women have come so accustomed to the pain and drama first? I believe it is because parts of bla...

I have found that many are trying to curb the pain of loneliness. I know how that feels. To want someone around to share your inner most being with. But no one really talks about the loneliness one feels while being surrounded around others. What’s even worse than feeling lonely while being surrounded around others? The loneliness you feel when you don’t feel seen by the one you feel the closest to.  It’s human nature to want to be acknowledged. Hell, even a dog wants to be acknowledged. However, the type of acknowledgment I am speaking of is not the superficial acknowledgment that one receives when they accomplish something. I am simply referring to the soul recognizing another soul. The pain of being in love with someone who refuses to see you. And because you want desperately to be acknowledged from soul to soul you remain in a space that’s painful to your spirit. You crave to hear the words uttered “I SEE you.” I get it because I was there. I am there. Your heart cries out for ...

  Why is it that most women find themselves giving more than what they receive? I feel as though it is because we have built a society based on the notion that women are nurturers. I believe this to be true to some degree but does that mean we have to carry the burden of “fixing” men or simply resulting to modesty just to protect their ego and comfort, while we suffer in silence? I for far too long know what it’s like to suffer in silence. Giving to a man in hopes that your love, generosity, and nurturing spirit will help mold him into the man you know he can be. However, this is where the self inflicted wounds come in. We empty out our cups until there is nothing left to give and once we have burned out he moves on. What’s worse is that the next woman if your efforts “worked”, and I use that term very loosely here, she benefits from your hard work.  This is the mistake in giving until you have nothing left to give is that you lose out on yourself. The most pressing question h...