What do you when you want to fly but YOU CAN’T?

 

 
“I don’t want to be grounded I’d rather fly.”—Jess Renee


I couldn’t sleep last night, at all. My mind and thoughts were racing. Once I was finally asleep I fell into a deep sleep. Until you appeared in my dreams and it was a nightmare. It was like we were lying in bed in real time. You woke me up, in the dream, and asked for my phone at 2am. I was terrified because you always let your anger get the best of you. I could feel my heart racing, palms sweating as I began to plead with you to just go back to sleep. In this dream I remember being so terrified that I flinched and closed my eyes in anticipation for a blow. And that’s when I woke up. What do you do when your nightmare becomes your reality? Once my eyes were closed in my nightmare they were open to find you sitting up staring directly into my eyes. I became so frighten I began to pray. “Please Lord let this man fall asleep.” “Please Lord don’t let him kill me.” “Please Lord PLEASE!” You turned your back and laid back down to go back to sleep. But I remained awake out of terror. 

The thing is he would get so angry, its like he was a shape shifter. His face even looked different. It’s like when you looked into his eyes his soul was temporarily gone. All I could see was rage. Women are no match for a man enraged. How can you want to be so grounded and fly at the same time? You cant! My body, so full of trauma that at times its so hard to process the abuse I endured. Sometimes I feel like my mind is going to explode from the many thoughts rushing through it. What do you do when you don’t feel safe staying, but you don’t feel safe leaving either? That’s why I say I don’t want to be grounded, I’d rather fly! At least I know up there you cant reach me and I cant hear you either. 

Comments

  1. MariaFebruary 23, 2021 at 3:28 PM

    Wow is my first comment that comes to mind. I can't start to imagine how this would feel. The emotion that radiated throughout the words of this post made it seem like just a horror movie, but to you real life. You are exactly right when you say a woman is no match for a man enraged. I've been on the end of that stick twice. The first time if it was not for others calling the police and two men running to save me there's no telling what would happen and then the second time, dealing with the true face of a narcissist (when the mask comes off and the true face revealed) those are the two times I feared for my well-being. But, those are moments...this was a constant replay and reading just a snippet sends chills. You're flying now, you're an eagle.

    ReplyDelete
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